If there were ever a sentence in the Bible to serve as a trigger for anger, resentment, and resistance towards the Bible it is most likely Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” The reason some women bristle at verses like Ephesians 5:22-24 is because they have not known the kind of love husbands are called to demonstrate in verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...”
Before we can even begin to address these verses, I need you to hear something. Marriage is an institution created by God to be celebrated, enjoyed, protected, and fought for within the covenant relationship between God and one man and one woman for a lifetime. However, if marriage (as God’s good gift) is something that you have made into the ultimate thing for your life, then you have potentially done two things:
- You have set your bar way too low.
- You have made an idol out of the institution of marriage.
When it comes to marriage, how can you set the bar way too low by making it the ultimate thing you aspire to? By making marriage the ultimate thing, you miss its ultimate purpose in that it serves as the only institution on earth designed to reflect Christ’s relationship with the Church and the Church’s relationship with Christ (v. 32). What is marriage? It is a “great mystery” because it is, “an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one” (v. 32; NLT). In fact, in reference to the mystery of marriage, the ESV, NIV, and CSB translate the Greek word megas (μέγας) as “profound” while the KJV, NASB, and NLT use the word “great.” The word can also be translated: large, surprising, or prominent. What is the point? Marriage is a big deal for reasons much more significant than two humans who want to spend a lifetime together.
When you read what is written in Ephesians 5 concerning marriage, you must read and study these verses within the context of everything written in Ephesians 1:1 - 5:21. Let me help you understand Ephesians 5:22-33 in light of the overall context of the epistle:
- In Ephesians 1:1-19, the Christian was chosen before the foundation of the world to be redeemed and forgiven of all sin exclusively through the shed blood of Jesus upon a cross. If you are a Christian, at the moment you believed in Jesus, you were sealed by the Holy Spirit for the purpose of becoming holy and blameless as God’s treasured possession to the praise of His glory, so that Jesus, who is Lord over everything (vv. 19b-21), would be head over all things to the church (v. 22-23).
- In Christ, those who were dead in their sins are made alive according to Ephesians 2:1-10 because of the rich mercy, great love, and sufficient grace of God. The reason why you, Christian, were made alive... is to live out your calling as God’s, “workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them” (2:1-10).
- Now that you are alive with Christ, you are a citizen “with the saints, and are of God’s household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, is growing into a holy temple in the Lord...” (2:19-21). Because you are in Jesus, you now have a new identity, and as His redeemed people, we all can, “know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge” as His Church (3:14-19).
- As those who were once far off but have been brought near as Jesus’ redeemed people, we are to be known for walking a better way as followers of Jesus, indeed, we are to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called...” (4:1). We do this, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, being diligent to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (vv. 2-3).
- As the Church of Jesus Christ, we are His holy Bride and no longer characterized by the “useless deeds of darkness” (5:3-13) but are now “children of light” (5:8-9) who walk with wisdom while the days are evil (vv. 15-16). We do this as the “holy temple of the Spirit of God” and “body of Christ”, who will experience a marriage as His beloved Bride. Now, as those who belong to Christ, we are to diligently keep, “the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” since we belong to each other as, “one body and one Spirit, just as you also were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all” (4:4-6).
If you are a Christian, then you are the Bride of Christ, and as the Bride of Christ, we come to what I consider to be the “hermeneutical key” for understanding what Paul states in the verses to follow regarding marriage, children, and work. Here it is: “subject yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ” (v. 21).
God’s Intended Culture for Marriage
It is important to point out that what proceeds what Paul says to wives and husbands is one long sentence in verses 18-21 that begins with an imperative: “do not get drunk with wine, in which there is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit...” So, the culture of a healthy marriage begins by being filled with the Holy Spirit instead of filling yourself with something that leads to debauchery. The way to do that is provided in a list of four participles: 1) Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, 2) singing and making melody with your hearts to the Lord, 3) always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to our God and Father, and 4) subject yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ.
If you are wondering what Ephesians 5:19-21 looks like in the home, the point is not the songs you sing to one another, but what it is that moves you and motivates you as a wife or as a husband. What Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:19-20 is not all that different than what he wrote to the Colossians: “Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father” (3:16-17).
To “subject yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ” is to do all things, both in word and deed, in the name of the Lord Jesus. The Greek word for “subject” is hypotassō (ὑποτάσσω) and it literally means to “put oneself under” another; here we are to humble ourselves in this way out of a reverence for Jesus. In the case of Ephesians 5:21, we Christians are to mutually subject/submit to one another out of a humility that is empowered by the Holy Spirit which is best experienced as you are filled by the Holy Spirit. The best way I can help you understand what Paul is communicating here is to see it against the backdrop of Philippians 2:3-8,
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, as He already existed in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but emptied Himself by taking the form of a bond-servant and being born in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death: death on a cross.
Jesus, while equal to the Father, when He took on flesh during His incarnation, humbled Himself by taking the form of a bondservant. What Jesus did, is that He subjected Himself under the authority of the Father to accomplish what was necessary for our redemption. We are told that we must have the same mindset of Jesus in the way we treat one another. Never was Jesus less than God, but He did willingly place Himself under the headship of the Father while He remained fully God and at the same time fully human. We are to humble ourselves in the same way as brothers and sisters in a world where individualism and power struggles are part of the dog-eat-dog culture of the world that we live in.
So, against the backdrop of Philippians 2:3-8, consider again Ephesians 5:21, “subject yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ” (v. 21). Do you see it? Do you see why this verse serves as a type of linchpin that joins what we read in verses 15-20 and the section in Ephesians that addresses husbands, wives, children, and slaves?
How are Wives to “Subject” Themselves to Their Husbands?
So now we come to the word “subject” and the way it is used for how wives must respond to their husbands and how it is not used to instruct the way husbands are to respond to their wives. We will look more deeply at the husband-and-wife relationship as it is explained in these verses next week, but for now I want to set things up for next week in a way that still helps you today.
Within the covenant of marriage, a wife is to, “subject” herself to her husband, “as to the Lord” (v. 22). The husband is not commanded to do the same regarding his wife. Instead, he is commanded to love his wife “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (v. 25). Sinclair Ferguson states in light of Ephesians 5:21-22, there is, of course, an appropriate mutual submission in marriage. The exhortation of 5:21 is to be obeyed by all Christians within the context of their mutual fellowship! But that is not the only aspect to the Christian life. Mutual submission no more obliterates the command in 5:22 than it rescinds the command of Hebrews 13:7 ‘Obey your leaders’!”[1]
When it comes to marriage, the God who invented marriage offers a better way than the perversion of marriage propagated by the world. Indeed, marriage was always intended to express, demonstrate, and point to a greater marriage that every Christian was chosen, redeemed, and sealed by the Holy Spirit to experience regardless of your marital status on planet earth (more on this in two weeks)! The better way for the Christian woman, who happens to be a wife, is to illustrate how Christians (the Church) respond to the great love of Christ that compelled Him to willingly go to the cross to redeem her; the response of Jesus’ wife is to be that of joyful submission. In a world that balks at any notion that a married woman must subject/submit to her husband; the Christian is called to a better way.
Listen, just as our response to Jesus should be one of deep and joyful submission to Him because of the love we have experienced from Him, the wife is to joyfully place herself under the loving headship of her husband in response to his self-sacrificing love, care, and protection for his bride. The command for wives to subject themselves to their husbands has nothing to do with value or importance, but God’s design for marriage and the kind of thriving, joy, and companionship He intends His people to enjoy within the covenant of marriage that He instituted.
What does it mean to “subject” yourself to your husband, as to the Lord? Well, it certainly does not mean that you become his doormat so that he can treat you however he wants. There is only One Lord, and that Lord is Jesus Christ. There is a chain of command, and your first obligation is to obey Jesus as your Lord.
The reason why I believe the NASB offers a better translation of hypotassō (subject) is because the wife is not commanded to enter subjugation under her husband as an inferior person to a superior human. When a woman enters marriage, she does so as a different but equal counterpart to the man she loves. The wife willingly and humbly places herself under her husband’s headship out of a deep trust and respect for him in response to the selfless love she has experienced and rightfully anticipates she will continue to enjoy throughout a lifetime of marriage when they come together as a one-flesh union. Again, Sinclair Ferguson’s perspective on Ephesians 5:22-24 is very much appreciated: “Marriage is not a recipe for the subjugation of a woman, but a blueprint for her true freedom in a healthy, loving relationship with her husband.”[2] Richard Coekin, in his little commentary on Ephesians, states:
As he [God] committed himself sacrificially to us in covenanted and exclusive love, so the most precious aspect of all our human relationships, and especially marriage, is to love and be loved, not merely with sentimental affection or sensual desire, but with sustained sacrificial kindness in every season of life—an unconditional love based not upon the other’s glamorous looks, but upon a commitment to be exclusively devoted to their best interests. And what a stunningly wonderful blessing a happy Christian marriage is![3]
However, for some of you, your marriage seems anything but a “wonderful blessing.” Others of you are afraid of entering into marriage because of what you witnessed growing up. The sad truth is that even in the Church, men and women have bought into the lie of a version of marriage that does not reflect what we read in the Bible. You need to hear that when it comes to marriage or any other relationship for that matter, God offers a better way. Nevertheless, to experience that better way, it takes two who desire to walk in a manner worthy of their calling as followers of Jesus for God’s design for marriage to be experienced on some level. In the weeks to come, I hope to offer you some level of help and encouragement for your marriage and your desire to follow Jesus well.
Before I conclude, permit me to address the woman and then the men of this church.
To the women in this church: You are created in the image of God and there is no man whose love is greater for you than the one your heavenly Father has for you. Any abuse you suffered growing up, the careless words spoken by any of the men in your life, or any treatment of you that has reduced you to an object is NOT a reflection of God’s love for you. You are valued because God has placed value upon you as His daughter! There is no marriage or situation where it is acceptable or okay for you to be abused or mistreated as a daughter of the God who loved you so much that He sent His only Son to die to redeem you. If you are in a marriage that seems more of a misery than the beautiful marvel it is intended to be, I want to encourage you to hang on and trust that the God who raises the dead can bring life to your marriage. If you are in what you believe to be a dead or failing marriage, I would like to give you an assignment this week: Pray for your husband, that the God who created out of nothing, can do something with the man in your marriage.
To the men in this church: Everything I said to the women also applies to you. It is possible to be in a relationship where you are demeaned, demonized, and devalued by the women in your life (more on that next week). It is not okay for you to be treated poorly or talked down to or disrespected by your wife or children. I will say though, that we men tend to set the culture and spiritual climate of our homes; if you have not done a good job at doing that, it is not too late. Permit me to give you an assignment this week, read John 13:1 - 19:30 and take note on what Ephesians 5:25 really means for your marriage: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Especially take note of what you can do differently or better to obey what is commanded of you as the husband of your wife.
Finally, the God who raised Jesus from the grave cares more about your marriage than you ever could, so trust and believe that He can make something beautiful out of your mess. It is on this point that I leave you with Ephesians 3:20-21, “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”
