I heard a well-meaning pastor and theologian say by way of application from his reading of Ephesians 5:22-25 these words: “Godly women want to feed their men. Godly women are designed to make the sandwiches. This is not an absolute law, like the one about making babies, and there are times when a man fends for himself and makes quite a decent sandwich. But in the general scheme of things, the apostle Paul wants the women to make the sandwiches.”[1] My question to you, is that what Ephesians 5:22-25 is teaching?
So, here is how I hope to answer that question. I hope to answer the above question by showing you how the willful subjecting of the wife to her husband and the sacrificial love of the husband for his wife is the apostle Paul’s way of showing us what Ephesians 4:1-3 looks like in marriage; consider these verses in light of marriage: “...walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, being diligent to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
The way I am going to show you what sandwiches have to do with marriage is by explaining what Ephesians 5:22-25 is saying, then I will show what these verses mean for your marriage, and finally, we will look at some examples of Jesus and what He thinks about sandwich making.
What is Ephesians 5:22-25 Really Saying?
So what is Ephesians saying? Let me begin answering that question by unpacking what the Greek word hypotassō(ὑποτάσσω) means; it can be translated as subject, subordinate, or submit. Although every major translation except the NASB (95 and 2020 editions) decided to use the word “submit” instead of “subject” I believe “subject” is a better translation. So what is the big deal? Why do I think it matters how hypotassō is translated? In the most literal sense, the word means “to order oneself under” and in the case of the wife, she is to willingly order herself under the headship of her husband, which is much less confusing than “submit” and leaves less room for this verse to be abused in the ways it has been used in an attempt to subjugate Christian women. This is why I believe “subject” is a better way to translate this word, besides the fact that most of the time the word is used in the New Testament, it is rightfully translated as “subject.”
Permit me to show you two other places hypotassō is used and why “subject” is a better translation of the word for Ephesians in the way wives ought to respond to their husbands. The first is Luke 2:41-52 when Mary and Joseph traveled from Nazareth to Jerusalem with 12-year-old Jesus to celebrate the Passover. Because they most likely traveled with friends and family, they did not realize they left Jesus in Jerusalem on their way back home to Nazareth. So, Joseph and Mary turned back (probably in a panic) to go get 12-year-old Jesus and it is in Luke 2:48-51 that we see how hypotassō is used and translated:
When Joseph and Mary saw Him, they were bewildered; and His mother said to Him, “Son, why have You treated us this way? Behold, Your father and I have been anxiously looking for You!” And He said to them, “Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father’s house?” And yet they on their part did not understand the statement which He had made to them. And He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and He continued to be subject [hypotassō] to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.
What did Jesus do at the age of 12 as fully God and fully human? How did he respond to his mother and stepfather as the rightful King of kings and Lord of lords? He willingly placed Himself under the headship of his mother and stepfather as a 12-year-old boy. Jesus was in Jerusalem because He had to be in His “Father’s house” but returned to Nazareth with Joseph and Mary because He was still under their headship.
The other place the word is used is in Romans 13:1. Remember that the Empire of Rome wanted to suppress Christianity, and it was because of Paul’s preaching that Rome eventually sentenced him to death by beheading, yet Paul wrote, “Every person is to be subject [hypotassō] to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God.” Paul willingly subjected himself under the Roman government but refused to disobey God when Romans demanded him to do so.
With the same humility that led Jesus to subject Himself under the authority of Joseph and Mary, the wife is to subject herself under the headship of her husband. With the same understanding and trust Paul had of God and in His sovereign reign over governments the wife is called to subject herself to her husband knowing that he will have to answer for every decision made in the home and will be held to account for how he loved his wife who is first and foremost a daughter of God Almighty.
Now, what is the scope that the wife is to subject herself under the headship of her husband? Look at verse 24, for it here that we are told: “But the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” Paul is not saying that you, wives, must be submissive in everything your husband tells you to do but to subject yourself under his headship as the one God has called to lead as one called by God to protect and provide as priest over your home out of a motivation to lay down his life for your good out of the kind of love that led Jesus to a cross: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (v. 25).
What Does Ephesians 5:22-25 Mean for Life and Marriage?
So, what does Ephesians 5:22-25 mean for your marriage? What it means, is that, unlike the world’s perverted view of sex and marriage, you are to walk in a manner worthy of your calling in your marriage, as a parent or as a child (6:1-4), and in your obedience to those placed in authority over you, who you work for, or how you exercise your God-given authority (6:5-9).
Think about what we have seen in Ephesians 4:1-5:21 as the application of who you are as one who once was dead but now is alive in Christ. You were redeemed and saved to walk in the good works Jesus redeemed us for (Eph. 2:10). As a child of God and His representation in a dark and evil world, you are to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called...” (4:1). In light of your calling as a child of light, we are commanded to be, “imitators of God, as beloved children” and as beloved children, we are to “walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us” (5:1-2). Now in everything that we say and do, we are to, “be careful how you walk, not as unwise people but as wise, making the most of your time because the days are evil” (vv. 15-16). So, when it comes to what we say and how we treat one another as brothers and sisters in Christ regardless of whether you are single, married, employed, a student and living at home with mom and dad, caring for your elderly parents, we are commanded by God through the apostle Paul to, “subject yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ” (v. 21).
But what does Christlikeness look like in marriage and what does Ephesians 5:22-25 have to do with making sandwiches? Here is the way I see it: With the same humility Christ demonstrated and we are all called to practice (see Phil. 2:3-8), wives are to subject themselves to their husbands with the same humility Jesus demonstrated on earth during His incarnation as fully human while remaining fully God. With the same selfless love that compelled Jesus to live the life we could never live and die the death we all deserved; husbands have and demonstrate for their wives. With the same honor and dependence Jesus demonstrated on earth regarding God the Father, so believing Children are to honor their parents. And, with the same willingness to subject Himself under the cross imposed by the Roman empire, so Christian slaves and employees are to obediently bear the burden they are called to with the same dedication Christ had not to Rome, but for the glory of God the Father. As a wife, or as a husband, or as a child, or as a parent, or as a boss, or as a slave/employee... we are all commanded out of love and reverent fear for Christ to, “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called” (4:1), and to do so as “imitators of God, as beloved children, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us” (5:1-2).
What Does Jesus Say about Who Should be Making the Sandwiches in Life and Marriage?
Now, a word about who Paul expected to make sandwiches when he wrote Ephesians. The motivation of subjecting yourself under the headship of your husband is not because you are obligated to submit to whatever he wants, but because of a motivation for your love for Jesus. This is the point of verse 22 and Colossians 3:18, which states: “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” Then, just a few verses later, we read: “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord and not for people, knowing that it is from the Lord that you will receive the reward of the inheritance” (Col. 3:20-21). Just because you are married does not mean that you are now a slave; if you are a follower of Christ who happens to be a wife or thinking about marriage, it is out of a radical love and deep reverence for Christ that in wanting to glorify Him in all that you do and knowing that He loves you infinitely more than any man on earth can... that you are willing to subject yourself to under the headship of your husband because of God’s design for marriage.
Now, a word to the men of Meadowbrooke: Consider the ways Jesus demonstrated His love for His Church during His incarnation. We do not have the time to look at every example, but I do want you to consider some of them that we discover by reading the four gospels:
- Well, for starters, Despite the cold shoulder Jesus received from the people He came to die for, His love compelled Him to persistently pursue them; how are you to love your wife? Be an imitator of God who is mindful of the great love and rich mercy you received because of God’s amazing grace, and walk in love before your wife and children, “just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us” (5:1-2).
- Jesus demonstrated His love for His Bride even when she said and did things that frustrated Him (see Matt. 16:5-12 as an example).
- Jesus grieved with His Bride when she suffered loss (see John 11:1-44).
- Jesus loved His Bride when He washed the feet of His disciples in the upper room (John 13:5-20)
- Jesus loved His Bride even while she could not stay awake during His hour of need and still prayed for her wellbeing (Luke 22:39-46; John 17).
- Jesus loved His Bride even when She denied She knew Him (John 18:25-27).
- Jesus loved His Bride even though he was abused emotionally and physically because of His love for Her (John 18:12-24, 28-19:15).
- Jesus loved His Bride even to the point of carrying a cross She deserved for the purpose of dying a death He did not deserve on her behalf (John 19:16-30).
So, men of Meadowbrooke Church, if you love your wives in the same way Christ loved His bride, are you really going to demand that she make you a sandwich? I do not believe for one second that Paul expected the wife to make the sandwiches! I believe the point he was making is that if the wife and husband are walking with Jesus out of a reverence and love for Him, their marriage will be stronger for it. She will subject herself under his headship in humility out of her reverence and love for Jesus, and he will want to love his wife deeply and sacrificially because of his deep love and reverence for Jesus.
Here is why I believe Paul had in mind that both the wife and the husband would make the sandwiches. Between the two, the kind of love that leads them to one another begins with Philia (friendship love) which has grown into an unconditional agape (unconditional love), and the fruit of that philia and agape love is eros (erotic/physical love). The fruit of a Christ-centered marriage should be the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,
Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away with; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away with.
The other reason why I reject the ridiculous notion that Paul wants the wife to make the sandwiches is because of 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 in a relationship the fruit of a genuine friendship (philia) and unconditional love (agape) is physical and erotic love (eros). Listen to these verses carefully and you tell me if the woman is the only one called to make a sandwich?
Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of sexual immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Men and women, what if we took Ephesians 5:1-2 seriously regarding everything in life that is important? What if we applied Ephesians 5:21 in our marriages, parenting, place of employment, and in our churches? What if we looked at our spouse out of a motivation of Christ-like humility and love not out of selfishness, but a giving of oneself to the other and applied that humility and love to sandwich making, dirty dishes, diapers, to-do lists, walks, dates, and even the marriage bed?
The top five reasons why marriages end in divorce are as follows: 1) Too much conflict, 2) a lack of commitment, 3) infidelity, 4) a lack of physical intimacy, and 5) communication problems. If we take Ephesians 5 seriously, I believe a Christ-centered humility from the wife and a Christ-compelled love from the husband will do five things for your marriage:
- Christ-centered humility and love will reduce the kind of pride that leads to conflict.
- Christ-centered humility and love open your eyes to the value of your spouse and marriage.
- Christ-centered humility and love will help prevent your eyes from wandering and compel you to fight against sexual sin.
- Christ-centered humility and love will free both the wife and the husband to give themselves sexually to the other for the good and pleasure of the other more frequently.
- Finally, Christ-centered humility and love will significantly reduce your communication problems because humility and love do wonders for marital hearing loss.
