To BELIEVE in Jesus is to BE a Christian. What I mean by “believe” is not agreeing that the Bible is true and Jesus is who He claimed to be. What I mean by “believe” is that you are all in on what the Bible teaches and who and what Jesus claimed to be and do. Genuine belief begins with your intellect, but it does not stop there. Genuine belief affects your daily actions and life choices.
So, to believe in Jesus is to live in a state of being as a Christian. To “BE” is to “EXIST.” You can believe certain things that do not affect your state of existence. An example of this is how I view the reality of math. I believe that math is both real and good, but my belief goes no further than my intellect.
It is possible to “BELIEVE” in Jesus and not “BE” a Christian. If you are a Christian, your Christianity is more than a religion or something you believe, but who you now are. Think about what the apostle Paul wrote: “And you were dead in your offenses and sins, in which you previously walked according to the course of this world.... But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our wrongdoings, made us alive together with Christ...” (Eph. 2:1, 4-5). If you are a Christian, you were once dead, but now you are alive with Jesus. Because you are now alive with Jesus, Paul continued in Ephesians 2:10, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.”
To go from death to life requires a change in your DNA. By the time Jesus arrived at Lazarus’ grave, he was dead and in his tomb for four days (John 11:17). What that means is that decomposition had already started, his body was bloated, his bodily fluids were already seeping out of the orifices of his body, his internal organs were already breaking down, and because of the breakdown of the tissues of his body there was already an overwhelming stench that was present in the tomb. When Jesus asked for the stone of the tomb to be removed, Lazarus’ sister, Martha, said to Jesus: “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead for four days” (v. 39). For a dead Lazarus to become a living Lazarus, his body would have to go through a complete DNA change, and that is exactly what happened when Jesus raised him from the dead when He shouted: “Lazarus, come out” (v. 43)! Lazarus’ body experienced an immediate DNA change, he then got up, and then he walked out of the tomb.
Christian, you experienced spiritually what Lazarus experienced physically the day you heard the gospel of Jesus Christ and believed. This is why Paul was compelled to remind the Ephesian Christians who they were with these words: “I urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, being diligent to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:1-3). So, how do you do that? Paul tells us: “So then, be careful how you walk, not as unwise people but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil” (Eph. 5:15–16). Okay, but what does that look like in the home? It looks like husbands loving their wives in the same what Jesus loved His church and gave Himself up for her (Eph. 5:25-33). It also looks like wives, subjecting themselves under the headship of their husbands (vv. 5:22-24). Oh... but how does one walk in a manner worthy of our calling in the way we parent our children or in the way we respond to our parents?
I struggled if I should address parents and children in the reverse order than how the apostle Paul did it but decided to follow in the same order he chose.
Responding to Our Parents in a Manner Worthy of Our Calling
Paul addresses children by reminding us of the fifth commandment: “Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged on the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Exod. 20:12). For some parents, this commandment is abused; for some children, this commandment is ignored. For a lot of people in the church, I suspect that the fifth commandment is confusing. Just so you know, the first four commandments concern our relationship with God; the last six commandments concern our relationship with people.
The first commandment states: “You are to have no other gods before Me” (Exod. 20:3). How you yield your mind, life, and heart to the first commandment will affect how your respond to idols, how you use the name of the Lord in what you say and do, and what kind of time you spend with the Lord in worship. Concerning the final six commandments, I suggest to you that how you yield your mind, life, and heart to the fifth commandment will affect how value your neighbor’s wife/husband, that which does not belong to you, your integrity, and what you think you need or do not need. It all begins with what kind of relationship you have with God.
Show me how a young man or woman treats their mother or father, and I will show you what kind of husband or wife that person will most likely be. If you cannot honor the person who is responsible for sheltering you, providing food, clothing, and an education for you... then when it comes to the other people in your life... you probably will not be a very honorable person (unless something changes, such as a spiritual DNA change).
Now, for the big question many of you may be asking: “At what age does the fifth command expire?” When you are eighteen? Twenty? How about when you are on your own? How about after you are married and have a family of your own? The commandment doesn’t even indicate an age, but the word the apostle Paul uses is Ephesians 6:1 is “children.” The Greek word for “children” is teknon and it means exactly the way every English translation translates the word, and that is “children.” The point Paul is making is that if you are a child, then you have a command from God to obey, and that is to give your parents honor.
Notice the order Paul address regarding the family. He begins with wives, then moves on to husbands, then children before he addresses “fathers.” Why? Because if you are alive today, then you are a child of someone. Not everyone is a parent, but everyone is a child. In the context of Ephesians 6:1, Paul is speaking to non-adults, and the way they are to honor their parents is by obeying them. However, this does not exempt every person who has a parent from honoring their parent(s). So there are two things going on with Ephesians 6:1-3. First, for every non-adult in the room, if you are unwilling to obey your parents, then you are not walking in a manner worthy of your calling as a Christian. Second, if you are a son or a daughter with a living parent, you are not walking in a manner worthy of your calling if you are not giving them honor.
Let me help you understand what exactly is being said in these verses. Walking in a manner worthy of your calling as a Christian as a non-adult means that you honor your parent(s) by obeying them so long as what is asked of you does not violate your primary obligation to obey Christ. If a father or mother askes their Christ-following child to sin, then that child is obligated to respectfully disobey. Honoring your parents by obeying them does not mean that you must endure sexual or physical abuse, nor require you to lie, cheat, or steal because your father or mother told you to do something immoral or wrong. But when it comes to the things your parent(s) ask you do such as the rules of the house you live in, you are to honor your mother and father by obeying and respecting them.
Non-adult children, listen to me. Paul states that the fifth commandment has a promise tied to it: “Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may turn out well for you, and that you may live long on the earth.” Obeying your parents who want you to thrive and succeed will help protect you from the kind of friends and habits that could ruin or shorten your life. The other way it will turn out well for non-adult children who honor their parents through obedience and respect for them, is that you will most likely develop honorable and healthy character traits.
So, how old until you do not have to obey all the rules of the home your parents pay for? Until you can pay rent and/or move out on your own. However, when you do move out of the home of your parent(s), to does not mean you are no longer obligated to honor your parents.
So, what about those of us who are adults? The fifth command does not state “obey” although throughout the Bible, non-adult children are expected to be obedient. The fifth commandment is also a principle to live by. Notice what the commandment does not say. It does not say “Love, admire, agree with, trust, or drop everything that you are doing for your parents.” No, what the fifth commandment states is to “Honor your father and mother.” The relationship I had with my sons when they were toddlers was very different then, than it is today. How I relate to my 24-year-old son is very different than how I relate to my 14-year-old son. If the day comes that they should ever get married, my relationship with them will be very different than it is today. So what does it mean to honor my father and mother as an adult? I am commanded to honor them no matter where they live, how old they are, what physical condition they are in, or how they feel about me.
Tim Keller provides a clear answer that honors the tone of all of scripture when it comes to our parents: “Honor is a decision to treat your parents with dignity and with courtesy, and it’s also a decision to provide long-term loyalty to their best interests.”[1] To walk in a manner worthy of my calling as a son or daughter must include seeing my father and mother as individuals created in the image of Almighty God, and that He entrusted my life into their care, and regardless of their sins and faults, I am to honor them by treating them with dignity and to do all that I am able to do to make sure that their best interests are provided for in a way that glorifies God and serves them well.
Parenting Children in a Manner Worthy of Our Calling
Now to the parents in the room. Paul is addressing dads, but moms are not exempt. The word that Paul uses for discipline is the Greek word, “paideia” and it also includes instruction, teaching, and training. The other word that is used is “instruction” which can also mean admonishing, warning, or even counseling. To discipline your children is to enforce boundaries and to provide instruction is to bring your child along guiding and persuading into a person of character because you love them.
To be honest with you, parenting is difficult! It is especially difficult in the culture and day that we find ourselves in. To raise your child in a way that protects them from the idols of both our culture and their own hearts is hard work and if it is done poorly or in a way that is heavy on law and light on grace... or heavy on grace and light on law... the consequences can be devastating to watch and experience as a parent. The danger in striving to raise your child well with rules is to be overbearing where truth and the rules of the house leave little room to experience love and grace for your child. This is how you can “provoke your children to anger...”
If you want to raise a resentful, frustrated, and angry child, make sure you leave little to no room for your child to experience the love that you have for him or her. Creating rules and enforcing them is easy and important, but to do that and at the same time making space and time to pay attention to your child’s heart, to listen to your child, to be safe enough so that your child feels free to speak to you, to respect the way God put your child together in terms of their personality... takes time and energy. Your children do not only need you be their parent, but they need you be present in their life.
However, Paul does not end with his charge to fathers not provoking their children to anger. Our responsibility as parents is to, “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
If you want to walk in a manner worthy of the calling in which you have been called, then you must bring up your child in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. What does it look like to bring up your child, and what does it involve? Check out what God instructed His people to do in order to pass on the faith of the parents to their children:
“Hear, Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. And you shall repeat them diligently to your sons and speak of them when you sit in your house, when you walk on the road, when you lie down, and when you get up. You shall also tie them as a sign to your hand, and they shall be as frontlets on your forehead. You shall also write them on the doorpost of your house and on your gates.” (Deut. 6:4–8)
This passage in Deuteronomy is known as the Shema, and it was recited often as a prayer. Orthodox Jews take the Shema literally in the sense that they literally tie the word of God onto their arms and their foreheads. The scribes and Pharisees in Jesus’ time did the same thing, what they wore on their foreheads and arms were called phylacteries, and they made sure they were big enough so that everyone could see how religious they were. Listen to what Jesus said about the scribes and Pharisees:
The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses. Therefore, whatever they tell you, do and comply with it all, but do not do as they do; for they say things and do not do them. And they tie up heavy burdens and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as their finger. And they do all their deeds to be noticed by other people; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments.” (Matt. 23:3–5)
Some of you grew up in homes with parents like this. The scribes and Pharisees missed the entire point of the Shema! The point is not to look and act religious, but that what you say you believe in and your relationship to God is actually who you really are. If you are really a Christian, then it should be who you really are when no one is looking, and especially in your home with those who know you better than anyone else. So, when you are walking, when you are shopping, when you are mowing the lawn, and when it comes to the culture of your home... you really are who you say you are.
When it comes to the rules in your home and the time you share with your child, and how you interact with the members of your family, consider what it means to love:
Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Cor. 13:4–7)
When it comes to the culture of your home, consider what the fruits of the Spirit are in the life of a Christian: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Gal 5:22–23).
What does it look like to, “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”? It is the kind of disciple-making Jesus commanded us to be about, and it must begin in the home out of a love for God and a love for the closest neighbors you will ever have, namely the members of your own family.
[1] Timothy J. Keller, The Timothy Keller Sermon Archive (New York City: Redeemer Presbyterian Church, 2013).
